Fuck You, Brian

For those of you who haven’t been following, first-class fuckwit Bishop Brian Tamaki, the self-appointed leader of a fundamentalist Christian sect in New Zealand, has blamed the recent earthquake there on homosexuals. He then helpfully clarified that it wasn’t just icky gay sex that was responsible, but certain diverse types of sin, that were responsible – murder is there too! Because obviously taking an innocent life and sticking your cock in another man’s arsehole are the same thing. To support this tenuous-at-best position, the good Bishop quoted that old peer-reviewed irreproachable source of factual scientific knowledge, the  Old Testament, talking about how the earth convulses under the weight of certain sin. I convulsed under the weight of a certain Cindy once, and wished desperately for the earth to open up and swallow me, but alas.

Anyhoo…given Bishop Brian’s fucking retarded utterances (and this isn’t the first time), combined with my inability to tolerate stupid fucking cunts, it occurred to me that catharsis would only come from writing a bitchy open letter.

Dear Bishop Brian,

I emphasise your title because you are obviously a very important person. I write to thank you for your recent elucidations on the cause of the tragic earthquake that has caused so much pain to so many Kiwis – your well reasoned, fact based completely faith based reasoning must indeed be true, because, like, the Bible! Somebody has pointed out that it’s sort of odd that God only seems to punish those naughty, naughty gays along geological fault lines which are already predisposed to causing earthquakes, but what do they know. They probably only read heretical science books.

Anyway, I was writing to encourage you to continue your righteous crusade against evil, and hold steadfast to the Word of God. Who knows where the next loving and merciful judgement of god might come from! Perhaps in an area where air pressure patterns have traditionally been used to explain hurricanes, He’ll send a sign to confound meterologists and punish immoral sinners – something like, um, a hurricane! Oooooh, maybe he could flood Amsterdam – there is a huge amount of immorality here and the city is below sea level…it would be perfect! Admittedly, it’s a bit puzzling that human-engineered earth walls have managed to frustrate God’s attempts at delivering judgement for the better part of 750 years, but it’s probably because God was focussing on even worse dens of inquity, like Kaikoura. Anyway, it’s not for us to question – the Bible is clear that unquestioning loyalty is the only way to live as a Christian.

I’m not sure where you’d want to focus you considerable energies next, but it needs to make a statement as to how seriously God views sin, and what the consequences of sin are. As long as God’s judgement only comes in conveniently located spread out events, people will forget and move on too quickly. Perhaps the public execution of your wife for wearing men’s clothing, considered an abomination in the eyes of God? Or the public expulsion from your cult church of anybody with a tattoo? I also worry that you may be inadvertently exposing your holy bishopyness to egregious sin by allowing menstruating women into the building – have you considered training a greeting committee of  ladies to inspect all the women walking through the doors? While we’re at it, the Bible also says that nobody with crushed testicles or no penis is allowed into the house of the lord, so you might think about getting some guys trained to have a peek at the junk of the faithful before they get across the threshold as well. Oh, and men who trim their sideburns! That’s also not allowed – you should make an example of them as well! Wait – I have it – public shaming of any divorced women who have remarried! The Bible says they’re adulterers!

Now, you know that this is going to attract a lot of ridicule from people who think they know things because of science and stuff. As you say though, those are naturally just opinions – the fact that this is due to a pissed off supernatural being who nobody has demonstrably actually seen or heard ever is the only true thing…because…Bible! The original book of fun facts and stories of a loving creator torturing and killing his creations when they need it so they’ll keep loving him. It’s just  like the Sims! Anyway, I digress – the point is that if you start actually listening to the reasoned and logical criticisms levelled at you, you might be tempted to give up the faith. The demon of Reason has many tricks to play, Bishop Brian. The best way to deal with the haters is to remind yourself that the more hated you are, the more you are doing God’s work – as you’ve recently told your brainwashed acolytes sanctified flock! This will make you impervious to anybody who disagrees with you – an obviously necessary protection against people who don’t understand how faith works to supercede science. It’s not about the natural, it’s about the supernatural, which totally means that nature is super when evaluated using only the Bible. People just don’t get it.

So yeah, kudos to you. I need to go now, as I am going to mount a hellfire-and-damnation protest outside the restaurant on the corner for serving cheeseburgers (mixing meat and dairy is punishable by death as you know, but I’ll warn them first that it’s coming to give them a chance to repent – if not it’s a brick to the face in the name of God’s love and mercy, ha!), and then I need to stone my infant child to death at the front door for not listening to me when I ordered him to sleep. Can’t wait to hear what absolute fucking gobshyte enlightening revelations gleaned from the Word you come up with next.

Toodles,

Simon

Goddammit, Christianity

Preface to my Christian friends who I know personally…you’re potentially going to be offended reading this. Potentially highly. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

The 2016 US presidential shitshow election has come and gone. The world now waits with bated breath to see whether or not Donald Trump will, in fact, be replacing all of the porcelain toilets in the White House with solid gold ones. And whether or not he’s going to make it through his first 100 days without getting impeached for grabbing stray pussies that inadvertently wander into his cruise-ship sized ego’s sphere of sentience.

As the dust settles though, can we just talk about the bloody Christians for a bit? Because Jesus H. Christ did they only come out in full fucking fundamentalist beast mode over the last few months…I’ve not seen so much frothing at the bung by a group of people since…well it’s 2016 and the Age of Outrage, so everybody is always frothing at the bung about something. Anyway – the Christians.

As a prelude, in case you don’t know me and have accidentally found your way here hoping that “Subtlety” was the name of an amateur pornstar and this was her website, it’s salient to this piece that I was, in fact, a born-again Christian for a good 13 years – worship band, creative ministry, the whole bang shoot. So I’m not talking out of my arsehole when I talk about Christianity – I lived it. I was fucking miserable, but I did it. The point is, I when I give Christianity shit, it’s from a first-hand perspective, not a preconceived notion based on an inherent bias and no actual knowledge.

So, with that out of the way, can I get an answer to a simple question – why the goddam hell is Donald Trump the candidate of choice for the Christian right? I’ve literally spent the last day exhausted after a mammoth Facebook debate with a fellow who was abso-goddam-lutely convinced that Trump was a saint and Clinton the devil incarnate. The best part about it was that all of Trump’s negative attributes were simply excused and explained away using the same bits of the Bible that he used to condemn Clinton to the pit of Hell. Sadly, this impossible position was lost on my sparring partner, who eventually called me an ape and told me I love evolution (in fairness, I do). I’ve seen a lot of comments about how Trump is the right choice because Clinton has “destroyed the family structure” and “she supports abortion.” A lot of those comments have been made by friends who I genuinely love and respect. But bigotry, sexism and blind misogyny cannot simply go unchallenged. This isn’t about supporting either Trump or Clinton, it’s about calling out bullshit. So let’s fucking have at it.

I’m not going to point out the obvious hypocrisy of supporting a man who thinks sexual assault is ok because he’s famous, who believes that the building he named after himself serving tacos makes him not racist even though he thinks that everybody from the land of tacos is a rapist and murderer, and who won’t take women seriously because they menstruate, whilst condemning a woman who did not do any of those things but did have the temerity to support peoples’ rights to live and love freely – in the name of Christianity. Well, I might get there. Not now. But what I do want to do is ask another simple question:

Where on earth do you Christians get off thinking that you’re more important than everybody else?

Seriously, I think Christianity is a load of horse-shit. Well, that’s not fair to horse-shit – at least you can see and touch the fucking horse, unlike Christianity, where the horse is a magical invisible deity who, in all honesty, is a bit of a cunt based on both his alleged actions and inactions over the last 6,000 years (according to Biblical chronology at least). But, if that’s your thing – and it was mine for a long time, so I get it – I’ve got no problem with that. Enjoy it. Be absolutely denialistic and miserable free in the warm, tender embrace of your faith.

But please, please stop expecting people who believe differently to also pander to your fucked up whims because you possess some sort of self-ascertained God-given monopoly on the truth and are entitled to enforce it. I know you believe that is the case, but we don’t. So seriously, stop.

Clinton has destroyed the family structure by supporting gay marriage. Really? Fucking really? REALLY? If you honestly believe according to your faith that a family should comprise a male father, a female mother, and offspring, good for you. Not for one goddam second do I want to force you to believe otherwise. Not everybody believes what you believe  though. So why do you think you have the right to demand they acquiesce to your belief  anyway? Donald Trump has been married how many times now? Is Dad, mom, step-mom and ex-step mom an acceptable family structure then? Should single folk not be allowed to adopt kids? Or do you just find the idea of gay people icky and not want to admit that your religion that claims love and tolerance is actually kind bigoted and cunty?

Now, I know that Christians love to cite completely, totally, definitely-not-aiming-for-a-specific-outcome objective research carried out by other Christians  pertaining to the negative effects of being raised by wolves gay couples. For some reason, this research is fixated on the apparently uncontrollable and rapacious sexual appetites of those naughty naughty gays, and tends to conclude that children raised by same sex couples are absolutely going to be sexually abused, and in turn grow up to be abusers, addicts and leeches on society themselves. This is important because no sexual abuse has ever occurred in a traditional home you guys. That’s why kids from heterosexual homes are always so well-adjusted and successful. Also, think of all those gay couples chaining their kids up and locking them away in basements for years on end, or injecting them with fucking heroin to get them to sleep, or committing incest. And we’re all getting pretty sick and tired of all the mass shootings that kids raised by gay couples keep on perpetrating.  Right, straight Christian folk?

The other issue that seemed to cause the collective explosion of Christianity’s head was abortion. Clinton supports abortion. Firstly, no, she supports a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion or not. That’s a subtle, but important difference.  Secondly, would you please, please, please stop fucking bleating on about how abortion is murder? Murder is always taking a life, taking a life is not always murder. Kill a man in self-defence – not murder. Apparently a large number of Christians are unaware of the New Testament, and feel that the death penalty is definitely not retributive justice of the type that the Bible is clear is God and God’s alone to dole out, and totes not murder either. So why do you think you have the sole right to decide whether or not abortion is murder?

What happens when a mother’s life is endangered by the pregnancy? Just let her die? Is that not murder? And if you fucking tell me it’s not because it was God’s will I will mail you horse-shit in a box every month for the rest of your life. Ok, I won’t, but I wanted to make a point, and the italics weren’t punchy enough for me. What about where a foetus is going to live in pain and suffering for all of a day or two before dying due to some birth defect – did I miss the verse where Jesus said “Verily, I say unto thee, be cruel to tiny helpless babies because that’s what this shit is all about yo.”?  No? Still haven’t updated the Bible to include that one? Where do you get off demanding that women don’t get to decide what’s best for them and their baby in consultation with medical professionals, but you do in consultation with a book that makes a lot of completely unproven fantastic claims about things like turning water into wine and feeding large crowds with starvation rations? The Bible rails against arrogance repeatedly and here you stand smug and secure in the knowledge that you are right because, like,  the Bible –  and the good ship Irony sails right on by up the river Ignorance, buoyed  by the ever-incoming tide of No-Facts-Needed-For-Faith.

I could go on and on about Christianity, and maybe I’ll write another post another time unpacking my general dislike for it and all organised religion really – this post was presaged by the US election specifically, and so I’ve focussed on the two issues that really grated my carrot as I read what people I respect, know and like were writing on social media. But I will make one more point.

If you’re reading this and are Christian and have made it this far, I hope you are by now offended. Potentially with a side of disappointment.

Because now you understand exactly how I feel when I see you stand up and unthinkingly attempt to defend the indefensible purely because you believe some book tells you to do so. When society condemns your bigoted beliefs, words like “Freedom of Speech” and “Freedom of Religion” are tossed around with, ahem, gay abandon, and then the moment society backs off  and leaves you to it you turn around and start doing exactly the same thing. So please, for the love of Christ, stop.