Let’s Just Give the Idiots What They Want

Another day, another piece of surrealism emanating from the clusterfuck that is the incoming President-Elect of the soon-to-be former most powerful and admired nation in the world. Today’s wonderful news (as in, you were probably shaking your head and wondering “what the fuck” as you read it) is that neurosurgeon Dr Ben Carson has been appointed as Trump’s Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. This is a man who wanted to run for president, but then demurred when asked if he was willing to serve in the Trump administration due to his lack of political experience. Apparently, lack of political experience alone is a disqualifying factor (for anything other than the presidency itself – obvs) but that disaqualification is nullified by the vast experience in housing one gets as a neurosurgeon…I guess?

This follows on from a string of quality appointments, like the Attorney General who was refused a judgeship back in the day for being a little too racist (amongst other sterling qualities, presuming you’re a right-wing Evangelical nutjob), and an Education Secretary who is an avid Creationist. And let’s not forget that bulbous wankpuffin (thanks for that one Sally) Stephen Breitbart, who now fawns shock and horror every time somebody even suggests that his website is a cesspit of white supremacist spew and bile, even though it is exactly that (no, I’m not linking to it, in addition to the horrible content it’s just…bad). None of this is surprising though, it’s 2016, which is probably foretold in some ancient Mayan scroll we haven’t yet found as “The Year Which Ran Out of Fucks to Give” and has brought us the Brexit and Trump. The Austrians have just voted for civility, but 2016 quickly realised that some of us might take some small joy from that, and as a result gave us Italy overwhelmingly voting for populism. In France Marie Le Penn is licking her racist lips as she contemplates what might be coming her way next year. And of course, all the good creative artists are dying out in droves, leaving us with a swamp of a talent-pool that I actually would support being drained by Trump or anybody else.

Ideally we wouldn’t find ourselves in such a deleterious position, but unfortunately every time Idealism picks herself up, proudly thrusts her chest out, and defiantly hoists her flag of rational thought, civil discourse and general decency aloft as a beacon to those who love and long for her, the 5 year old toddler-terror that is Reality runs up and sucker punches her in the groin with a manic cackle. And it’s our fault – to continue the metaphor, society has been that parent who’s let their little darling tear up and down the aeroplane aisle because they’re the most important, special, unique little hell-raising piece of shit snowflake in the world.  Democracy as we’ve implemented it is a horribly flawed thing. I know Churchill said that it was the worst system, except for all the others, but that’s like saying having an anaesthetic-free leg amputation is the worst thing ever, except for having a double anaesthetic-free leg amputation. Objectively true, but the first one is still shit. And quite simply, the problem is that we’ve taken that idea that “all men are created equal” and misread it as “All men are equal.”

No. No, all men are definitely not equal. Neither are all women, in the event that somebody is offended at my exclusionary pronoun usage. We might begin that way, but we definitely don’t end that way. The truth is that there are people who are shittier than others, but we’ve gone and taken human rights to the end of the spectrum, and refuse to acknowledge this because we don’t want to hurt their feelings or something. We want everybody to feel they have a legitimate contribution to make to society – technically that’s true, except sometimes that contribution involves somebody shutting the fuck up because they’re an idiot. But we don’t want to admit this, and as a result, we have the situation where western democracy gives everybody’s opinion the same weighting. Believe the earth is flat? You get exactly the same amount of voting currency as Dr Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  Think that it’s ok to blow up innocent people because your impotence has found an outlet in an extremist version of a make-believe ideology? No problem, your vote still counts as much as Richard Dawkins and Nelson Mandela’s did when he was alive. Giving heroin to kids to “help them sleep” the sort of thing you subscribe to? You mean as much to democracy as the struggling, honest, hard-working parents sacrificing and going without just to give their kids a single chance for a better life than they had.

I could go on, but my head might explode, and I’ve run out of the bleach I’ll need to cleanse my soul. The point is that this idea that everybody is equal is bullshit, and we need to acknowledge it before it’s too late. Stephen Fucking Hawking is warning the world that it’s on the brink of species-wide disaster from climate change and asteroids, and Trump’s highly considered presidential-as-all-fuck response is to announce the  defunding of NASA climate research because “it’s political”. Jesus.

The best way to fix the problem is a licence to vote. This is as popular a sentiment as advocating a licence to breed. Still,  I don’t understand why we need licences for everything except having kids and voting. People should be made to sit an exam that tests them on the different political party manifestos and platforms, and if they fail they don’t get to vote. Or perhaps their vote could be proportionally weighted – the higher you score, the more your vote counts. That way, people who believe that £350m a week is vanishing off into the EU’s savings account simply because it was written in big white letters on Boris Johnson’s Big Red Bus (aside: that’s not a euphemism, but it would make for a great one) wouldn’t have the destructive power they do now. People who don’t understand the very real danger their blind acceptance of fear-mongering and lies actually poses would be nicely neutered by this system. People will say “it’s not fair” and it’s a violation of human rights, but what about the rights of those of us who actually care enough to understand the issues, and approach things with an open mind in case we’re wrong? What about our right not to be subjected to the tyranny of the “I found an article on the internet which confirms my biases and prejudices because I lack even the most rudimentary cognitive ability to think critically” masses?

Alas, this is a battle that will not be won. It’s a shit-ton of fun considered impolite to actually tell a moron they’re a moron – we’re supposed to let them believe they’re actually really valuable to the world at large. Quite clearly they’re not, but if near-total ostracism (self-imposed or otherwise) isn’t your thing, we need to find a way to force people to live in accordance with their political philosophies, or at least the philosophy they profess. You know, be accountable (shocker!). So I say – let’s just give the idiots exactly what they want. You voted the way you did because you’re tired of experts? Wonderful, thank you for your fucking stupid equally valid opinion!. However, now, no more doctors for you when you’re sick. Nope, they’re “experts”, and we were tired of experts when we voted remember? No more tax accountants helping you out at year end. You, my armchair-warrior-touting friend get Google and “alternative” ideas that all the wisdom that the non-experts out there have to offer. Anti-vaxxer who believes “Big Pharma” is evil? Welcome to the polling booth my friend! However, I hope you never, ever get something like cancer, because we know who makes the treatments for those as well! Maybe try this lunatic equally valid non-scientific alternative source. Anti-immigration? Perfect – but you’re no longer procuring anything from anywhere that isn’t 100% local owned and operated. And if you own a business, you’re only hiring locals – so what if they demand wages and benefits at much higher levels than the other guys? And of course, you’ll only be buying goods that contain 100% non-imported ingredients – no more late night kebabs from the Turkish kiosk on the corner for you!

I know it’ll never happen – the fringe right are lunatics, but unfortunately there is a fringe left as well, and they’d collectively implode if anybody even tried to suggest personal accountability might be the flip-side of human rights which needs to be enforced a bit more robustly. The middle has become a wasteland where only the most foolish venture, upon pain of virtual crucifixion by both sides. But Christ it would be fun to watch some small-minded bigot buying groceries with only 100% non-imported local ingredients, or one of those Food Babe type-idiots trying to fend off diabetes-induced gangrene or HIV/AIDS with an assortment of nuts and berries. It would be natural selection at its finest. Might even encourage a few of them to join the dark side, or as it’s sometimes referred to by decent, rational people, not being a complete knobhead cunt. What a Christmas gift that would be.

Fuck You, Brian

For those of you who haven’t been following, first-class fuckwit Bishop Brian Tamaki, the self-appointed leader of a fundamentalist Christian sect in New Zealand, has blamed the recent earthquake there on homosexuals. He then helpfully clarified that it wasn’t just icky gay sex that was responsible, but certain diverse types of sin, that were responsible – murder is there too! Because obviously taking an innocent life and sticking your cock in another man’s arsehole are the same thing. To support this tenuous-at-best position, the good Bishop quoted that old peer-reviewed irreproachable source of factual scientific knowledge, the  Old Testament, talking about how the earth convulses under the weight of certain sin. I convulsed under the weight of a certain Cindy once, and wished desperately for the earth to open up and swallow me, but alas.

Anyhoo…given Bishop Brian’s fucking retarded utterances (and this isn’t the first time), combined with my inability to tolerate stupid fucking cunts, it occurred to me that catharsis would only come from writing a bitchy open letter.

Dear Bishop Brian,

I emphasise your title because you are obviously a very important person. I write to thank you for your recent elucidations on the cause of the tragic earthquake that has caused so much pain to so many Kiwis – your well reasoned, fact based completely faith based reasoning must indeed be true, because, like, the Bible! Somebody has pointed out that it’s sort of odd that God only seems to punish those naughty, naughty gays along geological fault lines which are already predisposed to causing earthquakes, but what do they know. They probably only read heretical science books.

Anyway, I was writing to encourage you to continue your righteous crusade against evil, and hold steadfast to the Word of God. Who knows where the next loving and merciful judgement of god might come from! Perhaps in an area where air pressure patterns have traditionally been used to explain hurricanes, He’ll send a sign to confound meterologists and punish immoral sinners – something like, um, a hurricane! Oooooh, maybe he could flood Amsterdam – there is a huge amount of immorality here and the city is below sea level…it would be perfect! Admittedly, it’s a bit puzzling that human-engineered earth walls have managed to frustrate God’s attempts at delivering judgement for the better part of 750 years, but it’s probably because God was focussing on even worse dens of inquity, like Kaikoura. Anyway, it’s not for us to question – the Bible is clear that unquestioning loyalty is the only way to live as a Christian.

I’m not sure where you’d want to focus you considerable energies next, but it needs to make a statement as to how seriously God views sin, and what the consequences of sin are. As long as God’s judgement only comes in conveniently located spread out events, people will forget and move on too quickly. Perhaps the public execution of your wife for wearing men’s clothing, considered an abomination in the eyes of God? Or the public expulsion from your cult church of anybody with a tattoo? I also worry that you may be inadvertently exposing your holy bishopyness to egregious sin by allowing menstruating women into the building – have you considered training a greeting committee of  ladies to inspect all the women walking through the doors? While we’re at it, the Bible also says that nobody with crushed testicles or no penis is allowed into the house of the lord, so you might think about getting some guys trained to have a peek at the junk of the faithful before they get across the threshold as well. Oh, and men who trim their sideburns! That’s also not allowed – you should make an example of them as well! Wait – I have it – public shaming of any divorced women who have remarried! The Bible says they’re adulterers!

Now, you know that this is going to attract a lot of ridicule from people who think they know things because of science and stuff. As you say though, those are naturally just opinions – the fact that this is due to a pissed off supernatural being who nobody has demonstrably actually seen or heard ever is the only true thing…because…Bible! The original book of fun facts and stories of a loving creator torturing and killing his creations when they need it so they’ll keep loving him. It’s just  like the Sims! Anyway, I digress – the point is that if you start actually listening to the reasoned and logical criticisms levelled at you, you might be tempted to give up the faith. The demon of Reason has many tricks to play, Bishop Brian. The best way to deal with the haters is to remind yourself that the more hated you are, the more you are doing God’s work – as you’ve recently told your brainwashed acolytes sanctified flock! This will make you impervious to anybody who disagrees with you – an obviously necessary protection against people who don’t understand how faith works to supercede science. It’s not about the natural, it’s about the supernatural, which totally means that nature is super when evaluated using only the Bible. People just don’t get it.

So yeah, kudos to you. I need to go now, as I am going to mount a hellfire-and-damnation protest outside the restaurant on the corner for serving cheeseburgers (mixing meat and dairy is punishable by death as you know, but I’ll warn them first that it’s coming to give them a chance to repent – if not it’s a brick to the face in the name of God’s love and mercy, ha!), and then I need to stone my infant child to death at the front door for not listening to me when I ordered him to sleep. Can’t wait to hear what absolute fucking gobshyte enlightening revelations gleaned from the Word you come up with next.

Toodles,

Simon