Well, Fuck.

As I write this, Donald Trump has won the US election, and is officially the president-elect of the United States of America.

Jesus Fucking Christ Almighty.

Having witnessed the internet flip its collective mind right the fuck out over the last couple of hours, let’s bring a bit of perspective back here. The world is not ending. The sun will rise tomorrow. And this is why a constitutional system has all of the checks and balances it does (if it’s halfway decent) – because people are generally fucking idiots and cannot be trusted to objectively do the right thing when it comes to important shit like electing politicians. Donald Trump may be swanning around with that annoyingly smug grin on his face right now, hair flapping in the breeze as he furtively scans whichever room he’s in for a last another pussy to grab before he has to move into the White House and at least try and be a president, but he’s not about to go and build that wall. He’s not about to deport all the Mexicans. He’s certainly not about to start infringing on civil liberties and racially profiling non-white Muslim immigrants (well, no more than the American government currently does). And he won’t be launching a nuclear attack any time soon. Because, quite simply he can’t do any of those things unilaterally.

This is not a dictatorship. And yes, the Republicans have retained control of the House and Senate, but most of the Republican establishment loathes Trump as much as the Democrats. Even a presidential veto is subject to override, given enough of a majority. And even though he is a misogynistic, chauvinistic, populist buffoon, he still ostensibly has enough of a brain to realise that if he doesn’t pull his shit together he’s going to be impeached long before 2020 (still, hope springs eternal – but I digress). So stop crashing the Canadian immigration website, put the ashes and sackcloth away, and let’s focus on the real problem with the outcome of this election: a much, much larger percentage of our society are straight up first class bellend fucking cunts, and they get the same say in things as those of us who can actually pull our heads out of our arseholes every now and then and take a look at the bigger picture.

Seriously, what the actual fuck America? (And fuck off Britain, you don’t get to weigh in here either.) Why on God’s green earth is there no licence to vote? You need a licence to own a gun (ok, maybe a weak example for America), you need a licence to drive a car, you need a goddam licence to own an animal, but wanna vote? You don’t even need to bring an ID for that shit in most states.

This system presupposes that “the reasonable man” will prevail. This, however,  is not the case. History is littered with examples of this not being the case. Most recently, the Brexit. So why the goddam fuck have we not instituted some sort of test to weed out people who actually understand the general issues and economics at hand from the people who, in spite of having never actually lost a job to an immigrant or met a muslim in their life before, still get the same weighting applied to their opinion? Some people are just dumb, and it’s time we started accepting this, and adjusting accordingly. If you honestly believe that a candidate can simply build a wall to keep people out of a country, in a global world, then you don’t deserve to be let into a polling station, because you are an ignorant simpleton who doesn’t understand how the world works.

It’s embarrassing. It’s depressing. Maybe Hillary wasn’t a great candidate, or maybe she was just portrayed negatively, but either way, if you think that a rapey, racist fraudster is better than somebody who’s worst crime was sending emails off her personal phone, then you simply don’t deserve to vote, because your ability to evaluate the facts is clearly being clouded by something irrational and subjective – be it your bullshit faith, or prejudices against other races, or fanatical desire to tell women how to treat their bodies, or hatred for people who choose a different lifestyle to you. Again – and I can’t emphasise this enough –  because this means you are a cunt.

But that’s not the worst thing about it.

It is the fact that we seem to have such a seemingly large proportion of our world who are so bigoted, and blinded by irrational ideologies, fears and hatreds that is really the most galling and wretched thing about Trump winning this election. We’re apparently  a majority bunch of small-minded arseholes who live in a fantasy of fake nostalgia, when men were men and fucked women whether they liked it or not, where Muslims rode camels and lived in tents in the desert, where blacks and Hispanics knew to shut up and be grateful for the scraps thrown to them from the tables built and bought with the scars of their real and de-facto slavery, when the West was “great”, where immigrants were grateful for the squalid lives they were allowed to live and knew their place was amongst the sewerage running through their ghettos, not amongst those who dared to dream of and aspire to better lives. More of us are apparently scared at best and downright awful and bigoted at worst than are not.

So I guess we have democracy to thank for showing us that much at least. Still, the kind of person who votes for Trump is generally not the kind of person whose mind will be changed simply by looking at the facts, so the next best thing is a voting licence. In the interim, it’s vodka for the pain.