Fuck You, Brian

For those of you who haven’t been following, first-class fuckwit Bishop Brian Tamaki, the self-appointed leader of a fundamentalist Christian sect in New Zealand, has blamed the recent earthquake there on homosexuals. He then helpfully clarified that it wasn’t just icky gay sex that was responsible, but certain diverse types of sin, that were responsible – murder is there too! Because obviously taking an innocent life and sticking your cock in another man’s arsehole are the same thing. To support this tenuous-at-best position, the good Bishop quoted that old peer-reviewed irreproachable source of factual scientific knowledge, the  Old Testament, talking about how the earth convulses under the weight of certain sin. I convulsed under the weight of a certain Cindy once, and wished desperately for the earth to open up and swallow me, but alas.

Anyhoo…given Bishop Brian’s fucking retarded utterances (and this isn’t the first time), combined with my inability to tolerate stupid fucking cunts, it occurred to me that catharsis would only come from writing a bitchy open letter.

Dear Bishop Brian,

I emphasise your title because you are obviously a very important person. I write to thank you for your recent elucidations on the cause of the tragic earthquake that has caused so much pain to so many Kiwis – your well reasoned, fact based completely faith based reasoning must indeed be true, because, like, the Bible! Somebody has pointed out that it’s sort of odd that God only seems to punish those naughty, naughty gays along geological fault lines which are already predisposed to causing earthquakes, but what do they know. They probably only read heretical science books.

Anyway, I was writing to encourage you to continue your righteous crusade against evil, and hold steadfast to the Word of God. Who knows where the next loving and merciful judgement of god might come from! Perhaps in an area where air pressure patterns have traditionally been used to explain hurricanes, He’ll send a sign to confound meterologists and punish immoral sinners – something like, um, a hurricane! Oooooh, maybe he could flood Amsterdam – there is a huge amount of immorality here and the city is below sea level…it would be perfect! Admittedly, it’s a bit puzzling that human-engineered earth walls have managed to frustrate God’s attempts at delivering judgement for the better part of 750 years, but it’s probably because God was focussing on even worse dens of inquity, like Kaikoura. Anyway, it’s not for us to question – the Bible is clear that unquestioning loyalty is the only way to live as a Christian.

I’m not sure where you’d want to focus you considerable energies next, but it needs to make a statement as to how seriously God views sin, and what the consequences of sin are. As long as God’s judgement only comes in conveniently located spread out events, people will forget and move on too quickly. Perhaps the public execution of your wife for wearing men’s clothing, considered an abomination in the eyes of God? Or the public expulsion from your cult church of anybody with a tattoo? I also worry that you may be inadvertently exposing your holy bishopyness to egregious sin by allowing menstruating women into the building – have you considered training a greeting committee of  ladies to inspect all the women walking through the doors? While we’re at it, the Bible also says that nobody with crushed testicles or no penis is allowed into the house of the lord, so you might think about getting some guys trained to have a peek at the junk of the faithful before they get across the threshold as well. Oh, and men who trim their sideburns! That’s also not allowed – you should make an example of them as well! Wait – I have it – public shaming of any divorced women who have remarried! The Bible says they’re adulterers!

Now, you know that this is going to attract a lot of ridicule from people who think they know things because of science and stuff. As you say though, those are naturally just opinions – the fact that this is due to a pissed off supernatural being who nobody has demonstrably actually seen or heard ever is the only true thing…because…Bible! The original book of fun facts and stories of a loving creator torturing and killing his creations when they need it so they’ll keep loving him. It’s just  like the Sims! Anyway, I digress – the point is that if you start actually listening to the reasoned and logical criticisms levelled at you, you might be tempted to give up the faith. The demon of Reason has many tricks to play, Bishop Brian. The best way to deal with the haters is to remind yourself that the more hated you are, the more you are doing God’s work – as you’ve recently told your brainwashed acolytes sanctified flock! This will make you impervious to anybody who disagrees with you – an obviously necessary protection against people who don’t understand how faith works to supercede science. It’s not about the natural, it’s about the supernatural, which totally means that nature is super when evaluated using only the Bible. People just don’t get it.

So yeah, kudos to you. I need to go now, as I am going to mount a hellfire-and-damnation protest outside the restaurant on the corner for serving cheeseburgers (mixing meat and dairy is punishable by death as you know, but I’ll warn them first that it’s coming to give them a chance to repent – if not it’s a brick to the face in the name of God’s love and mercy, ha!), and then I need to stone my infant child to death at the front door for not listening to me when I ordered him to sleep. Can’t wait to hear what absolute fucking gobshyte enlightening revelations gleaned from the Word you come up with next.

Toodles,

Simon